Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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