Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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