i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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