she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
