I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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