Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
