I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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