I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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