Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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