I have demons in me.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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