And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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