We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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