dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i think my mom watched the whole time
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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