Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
