Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
