Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
