I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
