I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
