Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
