i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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