Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
