why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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