Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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