And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
