U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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