you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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