i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
