i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
