are you so shy because you have an std?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
