I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize