My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You're like the curious george of whores
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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