There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize