I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
