I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
