Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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