someone get that fucking seahorse.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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