Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
