my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize