i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
