In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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