Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize