my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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