apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
