the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
