so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Randomize
