In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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