who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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