I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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