thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
