I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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