I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
