My liver just broke up with me...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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