I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
