She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
