youre lurking in front of me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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